Monday, September 24, 2012

Grand Adventure


"We are going on a GRAND ADVENTURE" were the words Brandon said as we sat around the kitchen table at our house in Santa Cruz and discussed with our children our upcoming move and what the next few months had in store for the family. I will never forget the look on the kids faces full of excitement followed by an outburst of shouts of glee "Yahoo!!!", "I can't wait!!!"  I remember at that moment feeling so scared and sad about the transition that lay before us but I put on my excited and hopeful face for my children. As a parent I believe that one of my jobs is to shield my kids from adult issues, things they have no control over and therefore need not be burdened by. Its only been behind closed doors that Brandon and I have discussed the unknowns and the anxiety that can come with that. So in front of our kids we have been nothing but excited about where God is taking us and our kids have felt the security in that and have been excited too.
Since we left Santa Cruz in August our lives have been nothing less then an adventure! In that short time our family has spent a week in Mexico, two weekends in LA, Peyton started Kindergarten and learned how to ride a horse, Amber started preschool, met her first best friend named Shannon and proudly knows how to write the letter "A". Baby Eden now sleeps through the night (although she still doesn't do it every night), she has cut two teeth and learned how to crawl. We have moved comfortably to San Diego into the home of our friends the Atkinson's who have made us feel humbled and blessed by their hospitality. Who in their right mind would welcome three young children and bunny rabbit into their home with open arms is beyond me, but they have done it with so much love and grace that I often feel over whelmed with gratitude.
 Yes, it has been a Grand Adventure, but we know this is only the beginning of the long road that still lay ahead of us. In the midst of all the change God has been so sweet in His comfort, so gracious in His provision and so faithful in His promises. We have enjoyed meaningful moments together as a family praying about our journey and I have seen my kids faith strengthen. 3 year old Amber the other night when we were praying before bed said "When I grow up I want to be a prayer warrior!" Peyton piped in and said "Well I am going to be a mom when I grow up" Amber said  "Actually I want to be a mom too" I said "Well you can be a mom and a prayer warrior, that is what mommy is" and I realized as I said it that a few months ago that would have been a lie but in the past few months I have found myself on my knees more times then I can count and I am thankful that I can honestly say that the grand adventure has made my kids mommy into a prayer warrior!

  Last night we got home late from our first long weekend of support raising (blog to come). With our kids in tow we met with 11 different families, drove long hours in the car, went to bed late and got up early, missing meals and surviving the hot sun, I was worried about my kids holding up under the circumstances even though they seemed to be having fun and enjoying meeting with new people (mostly because they got treats and toys every where we went) This morning as I was getting Peyton off to school I was still feeling exhausted from the weekend and wondering is she was feeling the same but she put my mind at ease as I was kissing her good bye she walked out the door saying "Mommy, I love being on this Grand Adventure" I just smiled at her with my heart so full I felt it may burst and I said "I do too, Peyton... I do too."

Sunday, September 2, 2012

The secret is in surrender

I always knew that one day I would be a missionary. It has always been in my heart...my calling. I used to love to read missionary memoirs when I was younger. Some of my favorites include Nate Saint, Elizabeth Elliot, Marilyn Laszlo and my all time favorite "Bruchko" about a missionary by the name of Bruce Olson who did some CRAZY stuff (seriously if you are looking for a good read check this book out! ) Call me weird but to me these stories almost seemed glamours. I was one of those crazy, on fire, sold out christian teenagers and I could think of nothing cooler or more fulfilling than putting it all out there for the sake of the cross. I wanted what they had... A CALLING...A MISSION...A DIVINE APPOINTMENT... A DESTINY and I did not care if it meant being poor, dirty, far from home, challenged to the point of breaking or even death... I was ready!
Now...fast forward 15 years later and guess what? I am officially a missionary! but, things have changed a bit. I have lived some life, seen some stuff, become a wife and a mom, learned the value of family and friends and somewhere along the way I became scared! I used to pride myself on being fearless and care free, spontaneous and tough, living life on the edge seemed attractive to me but something happened one night as I lay in a hospital bed next to my first born child. I remember not being able to sleep as I rest my hand on her tiny chest fighting the raging anxiety in me that feared she may stop breathing and I knew in that moment that my life would never be the same. 
Now that I am a missionary I have some reservations, I am concerned about being able to provide for my family, I worry about being able to guide my children through the multiple transitions that still lay ahead of us, I am afraid about not having health insurance. I have dreams of my kids taking dance lessons, playing sports, mastering a special craft and now I fear we won't be able to afford lessons. I know its silly but I am sad we can't get a dog. 
Tonight I found myself almost laughing at the irony! Why did God not call me into the mission field when I was younger, ready and unafraid? Wouldn't that have made more sense? Wouldn't I have been more effective when I was less afraid? But as I was questioning I felt God gently whisper "yes but now you know you have to rely on me and me alone! Before... you would have tried to do it on your own, but now you know you are nothing without me and that...my child... is the secret to being a successful missionary.... SURRENDER."
If you have yet to check out our ChiAlpha facebook page please do so and make sure to click "like" to get all our updates in this next exciting chapter of our lives. 

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

He sees me in this storm...

A whole lot is going on in the lives of the Kertson family, to say the least. We are finding ourselves between jobs, between houses, between cities, between schools....we are in transition. We are not really sure where we are going and what the future holds, so life is a bit scary and confusing at the moment. I had the oportunity a few weeks back to go with the youth group from our church to a place called Gleanings for the Hungry. Gleanings is a ministry founded under Youth with a Mission (YWAM). It is a base that makes dried  soup mix and dried fruit and sends it by the truck loads to third world countries. It is an amazing ministry that not only feeds the hungry but feeds the spiritually hungry too. It's hard to explain the feeling you get when you step onto the base but you get a sense that you are surrounded by angels and that something so much bigger then yourself undeniably exists. You go there to work but you leave there blessed and nothing less happened to me this time. I arrived at Gleanings with a heavy heart, my families transition understandably on my mind, as with any move there is always sadness. I was morning the fact that in a few short weeks we would be moving away from a city that we love and have called home for the past four years and we would be leaving behind dear friends who have been like family to us when we had no family close by. The mom side of me was aching for my children knowing that this move was going to be hard on them. Peyton will more then likely be changing kindergardens in the middle of the school year and I know that this will be hard on her sensitive spirit and Amber will be moving from the only place she has ever called home. I felt the burden of wanting to protect them from any heartache but also knowing full well that sometimes heartache builds character and struggling with how to balance the two. So I came to Gleanings with a lot on my mind. I remember not being able to sleep the first night and spending most of the night in prayer crying out to God saying "How could you let this happen,don't you care about my dreams. Don't you see I had plans????" and ever so sweetly I felt the Holy Spirit whisper "yes, but my dreams are bigger then your dreams and my plans are better then your plans" I remember feeling a bit of a break through that night but still wrestling with my feelings as the week went on. As the days passed we shared some wonderful and meaningful moments with the youth from our church and they inspired me as I watched them work long hours with happy hearts. My own young children were even able to help in the process of drying peaches and we were able to have conversations about the poor and the hungry and how we were helping them and I could tell they were understanding and taking their job seriously and that blessed me so much. It was so nice to be able to get away and forget about the fears and unknowns that waited for me at home and for the first time in a long time I was at peace. On Thursday night we were told that in the morning there would be an open mic time of sharing about what went on in our hearts during the week. I immediately felt the holy spirit nudge me "you are going to share your story!" I began to argue "why would I do that... I am still mad, I am still sad... I mean I guess I have a tiny bit more peace but nothing to shout from the roof tops about!"... again a gentle nudge... "trust me, share your story!" so that morning out of sheer obedience I shared with the camp my story, about the transition my family was about to go through and the sadness that I had been dealing with all week. Nothing to profound or extrodanary but It was true it was my heart. When I was finished a lady who works on staff for Gleanings come up to the mic and looked me in the eyes and through tears she said these words that I will never forget: "I saw you on the first day of camp and I felt the Lord spoke to me and said... See her, she is my child and she is in pain... So for the rest of the week I have been praying for you everyday!"
wow! Wow! That moment will probably go down as one of the most life changing moments of my life. My amazement wasn't so much in the fact that the Lord spoke to her about me or that she had been praying for me all week and I didn't even know it, what was so life changing to me was the words that the Lord actually spoke: "SHE IS MY CHILD AND SHE IS IN PAIN"  Hearing those words was the first time I really believed that God was seeing me in my pain.  Every doubt, every question, every tear, every sleepless night, he saw it, he was there the whole time!!! It's hard to describe what happened the rest of the day but I received an out pouring of encouragement from perfect strangers that found themselves in my shoes and could relate. I heard story after story of the faithfulness of God through trials and the beauty that comes from walking in faith even when you don't understand where it is leading. I left Gleanings feeling like I had just been hugged by God and it was just what I needed to face the trials ahead.
So for a Kertson family update we are scheduled to move out of Santa Cruz the beginning of August. We are in the process of looking at working as College Campus Missionaries for an organization called ChiAlpha. We will be taking 6 months to live with family and friends to raise the support we need to start our ministry. We are excited about where God is taking us and know that he has a plan that is bigger and better then anything we could ever come up with. Brandon and I were called into full time ministry early on in our teen years and perhaps all these years He has been preparing us for this very moment that we will have to step out in faith and trust that God is going to use us for His glory and nothing could be more exciting or fulfilling. Thank you for those of you who are praying for us....we feel your prayers and because of them we are at peace. Thank you to those who are opening their homes and their time to help us out during this transition I trust you will be blessed for your sacrifice and for those who feel sadness about our move (I know our youth group kids are struggling with this transition as well) just know that God sees you and his plans are bigger and better then you even know!

Friday, May 4, 2012

Goats at the Kertsons

When I was younger I had a pet goat. My Dad (who grew up on a farm in Idaho) used to tell me stories of how fun goats were. He would tell me about their large personalities, and how they are smart yet very mischievous, how they are social creatures and much like dogs are loyal to their owners.  He would tell me about how when he was a kid he always dreamed of having a goat with a cart that could pull him around and of course I would dream the same thing. So one Christmas when I was about 14 years old, much to my mothers dismay, my Dad got me a goat! We made a bargain that if he got me a goat I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend, and at that particular time I had no prospects in sight so I happily agreed.  To this day one of my favorite childhood memories with my dad was going and picking up that baby goat. I named her prancer and I vividly remember holding her in my lap as we drove her home. I fell in love with her and I think my Dad did too! But... from the moment that Prancer came home with us she was nothing but trouble, we had to rebuild her pin several times because she kept finding away out of it. We soon discovered that she could jump 6 ft straight up and we would often find her walking along our neighbors six ft brick wall. But probably the biggest issue we had with Prancer was that she always wanted to be with me, and every moment that she wasn't with me she would cry! and I am not talking like a cute little goat cry, I am talking like loud, shrieking, every neighbor around could hear her cry! So my Dad and I tried everything to get her to stop, we stuffed some of my clothes with hay and sat it by her cage hoping she would think it was me sitting there, that worked for maybe two days, next we tried a dog shock collar, but goats cries are apparently so different than a dogs bark that it would not register it, so the finale solution was to have the goat sleep in a crate in my bedroom, and that is what she did every night for probably about six months, until my mother who was sick to death of the goat eating her flowers and causing mehem to our everyday life, made me get rid of her. She was sent away to live at a petting zoo. I remember being devastated. I refused to go with my dad to drop off the goat and to this day I don't even know where exactly she went, but I remember crying myself to sleep every night for weeks and from that moment on I vowed that one day I would have another goat.
Fast forward 15 years later, and you guessed it...Not only did I get one goat I got two! Bet you didn't know you could find goats on craigslist! I didn't either until I started looking and found two of the cutest pygmy goats I ever did see. Someone was giving them away for $50!!! I just could not pass them up. A little convincing to my husband...who I have to admit I caught him in a weak moment, and we were off to pick up our goats. The one thing that I did not anticipate was that we live on a very busy street, in fact we live right in front of a bus stop where every 30-40 minutes a bus pulls up to the side of our house to pick up and unload passengers. Within minutes of getting the goats into our yard I realized that what I thought was a great idea may have been a huge mistake. Tucker and Lila were absolutely terrified of all the cars and buses driving by our house, they would not leave our porch next to our sliding glass door and every time a bus would come by they would ram into the glass trying to get inside. They would not even go near the grassy area that I was so hoping they would enjoy and help us out with yard work. Watching them run into the sliding glass door over and over again I was afraid they were going to break it so I quickly moved them to a smaller gated area on the other side of the house away from the street where they could settle in for the night. I originally wasen't planning on having them stay in that area of the yard so I had put no thought into goat proofing it. I was really scared that I was going to wake up in the morning and find that the goats had managed to exscape (remember they can jump 6ft straight up!) So I hardly slept all night...I could hear them out there crying and jumping on the side of the gate trying to get out but at some point I must have drifted off because I was awakened very early in the morning to my husbands panicked voice saying "Babe...get up! They broke a pipe!" I ran outside in my pajamas and found the whole side of our house flooded and the goats soaking wet as a pipe was gushing water! To make a long story short my husband spent all day fixing the pipe and he eventually got it fixed that evening just in time to wave good bye to the goats. I put them back up on craiglist and within hours a very nice farmer man who lived on an organic blueberry farm a few miles from our house, came and picked them up and gave us $100 for them.
The worse part of this crazy 24 hour mistake was the heart break that is caused my daughter Peyton. Much like her Papa and her Mother she is an animal lover. She loved those goats and when we had to say good bye she cried for hours. I felt horrible, I knew her pain, I felt it when I had to get rid of my goat as a kid. It was like re living it all over again through her eyes. The goats drove away and she ran into the house and buried her head in the couch cushions and sobbed. Her Dad and I tried to talk to her but she made it clear that she did not want to talk about it she just needed to cry and I understood that. We told her when she was ready to talk about it we would be here to listen. Sometime later that night she came to me and said "Mom I think I am ready to talk about them now" I said "ok what should we talk about" she said "Maybe all the good times we had with them...that might make me feel better" So we reminisced on how funny Tucker was, how feisty Lilia was, how she loved it when they would chase after her and how she was a lucky little girl to be able to tell her friends that she had pet goats, even if it was for only 24 hours. Some how that conversation led to her to asking me to tell her stories about Prancer, which led into her asking me about all the pets I had when I was a kid. I told her about my dog Krispen who would sleep in my bed with me every night from the time I was 3 to 16 years old, and my guinne pig Squeaky who would squeak every time someone opened the refrigerator to let us know he wanted a carrot, and my bunny Spring who had baby bunnies and loved to swim in the pool in the summers when it was hot, and my chicken Buffy who got hurt by a raccoon and I nursed her back to health by making her a wheel chair out of Legos...the stories go on and on and she could not get enough of them. It was a special moment for me because I remember listening to my Dad tell me stories of his pets that he had as a kid and I used to love it. Over the years I would ask him to retell his stories to me over and over again. In fact I remember thinking to myself as a kid that I hoped I would be able to tell my children stories of my childhood half as good as my Dad could tell stories of his. Tucking Peyton into bed that night I realized I had succeeded one of my goals as a parent and that was to pass on a legacy of telling stories. I couldn't help but picture Peyton telling her kids about her 24hrs experience with her pet goats. Everynight since the huge goat mistake of 2012 Peyton has asked me to tell her stories of my childhood before she goes to bed at night and that has made the mistake all worth it.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Super Mom or BUST!

Wow that was a long day! One of those days when you leave your house soon after breakfast and you get back sometime after dinner, and with three kids under the age of five in tow that makes for a very very long day! On the agenda was play group, lunch, dentist appointments, grocery shopping, acting class, dinner and home by bed time. Going into it, I knew the day was going to be challenging but I had faith in myself and my children that we could get through it with smiles on our faces. Well....somewhere between dentist appointments and dinner I got a little to sure of myself and my parenting capabilities. The dentist appointments went off without a hitch. My children were well behaved, so brave and even managed to charm the office staff. I left there feeling so proud of my kids and how well adjusted they were to face even scary situations with such grace and ease (yea...see how cocky I am getting) The kids dentist is about a 45 min drive home but all the way down the hill my kids were singing and laughing and I was thanking God for giving me such amazing children. We got through grocery shopping and acting class still smiling and I had the brilliant idea of rewarding my well behaved children by taking them out to dinner. One of our favorite places to go is "Fresh Choice," I think it may be a Northern California thing but think "Soup Plantation" although not nearly as good. My husband actually hates this restaurant and often says "Fresh choice is not that fresh," and I would have to agree with him that the food is not that great, but I get a salad and the kids get mediocre pizza and we are all happy. We usually go there when Brandon is not around and since Brandon was gone at youth group it was the perfect plan. The only problem was that I had never braved "Fresh Choice" by myself with three kids, but in my self righteous state I thought I could handle it....NOT! Peyton and Amber are pretty good at going through the line and filling their plates by themselves and they have these cool rolling high chairs that the babies car seat can fit into and you can push them along the line with you, so I placed sleeping Eden in her car seat on the highchair and began rolling her down the line of the salad bar. We all got about half way through when all the sudden Amber decided to check on the baby and went behind the highchair and pulled it down to try to peek in on Eden and the whole thing, baby and all, fell over on top of her! It was one of those slow motion moments when you can hear the gasp of the crowd and you feel all eyes on you even though you are working at lightening speed to asses the situation. I lift the car seat up and peak in to see Eden is still asleep (how do babies do it) so I sit the car seat back onto the highchair and grab Amber off the floor as she is screaming at the top of her lungs and clutching her leg. I feel her leg and for a split moment I think it might be broken because I felt a huge lump. I look up and see that we are holding up the line, big time, I look over my shoulder and see Peyton way in front of us happily still filling her plate oblivious to what just happened (typical). I remember thinking geez how am I going to get out of this situation and why is no one helping me??? Literally the entire line of 10 people or so were staring at us with their jaws open wondering why this crazy lady was even attempting to take three little kids through a salad bar line! Finally another mom from the line jumped out and offered to help at least get our plates and my kids to a table. I was so grateful. I cradled screaming Amber in one arm and pushed the rolling highchair along with the other all while directing Peyton to stop filling her plate and follow me. She began crying saying "No mom I am not finished yet" But mom voice kicked in and all I had to do was say "NOW" and she tearfully followed. We made it to the end of the line and with a shaky hand I threw some money at the cashier and finally got everyone safely to a booth. Once there I checked out Amber's leg and decided it was not as bad as I had thought, she was going to have a large bruise but she was already calming down and happy about eating her pizza and jello. We continued on with dinner peacefully although I was still shaking, maybe from trauma of seeing my baby upside down in her car seat or maybe from sheer embarrassment, I was not sure. I rushed the kids through dinner because the baby was starting to wake up and was quickly getting fussy, we left the restaurant with Peyton still eating a piece of pizza, I got everyone strapped in the car and realized Amber had taken off her shoes inside the restaurant but at that moment all I wanted to do was be home so I decided to leave them there. The baby was crying for a bottle and I realized it was almost an hour past her feeding time. So I handed Amber her bottle and instructed her to hold it in Edens mouth and we drove off. A few miles down the road I started to giggle at myself and the irony of the fact that just a few hours earlier I felt like super mom and now I was driving home with my tail between my legs, still shaking, embarrassed and having my three year old feed my infant in the back seat. I caught a glimpse of myself in the rear view mirror and realized I didn't know when the last time was that I had showered, I had spit up all over my sweat shirt and I was positive that I did not brush my teeth that morning but all in all I couldn't help but to continue to giggle at my reflection...now that is one blessed lady right there...I thought, and I realize that I had succeeded at ending a very very long day with a smile! The worse part of the day is that I am not sure how long it will be before I can show my face at "Fresh Choice" again.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Flowers for Mamma!

Well it has been a month and three days now since I have been a mother of three!!! For the most part the transition of this little one to our family has been nothing but a blessing. The older girls absolutely love her! So much so that she has already had two colds in her short little life because the girls (who are always sick) will not stop kissing and hugging her. Poor baby...I am hoping that she is building up good immunities, but it is so sad to see a newborn struggle. :( On top of being sick the baby has been very gassy...like high pitched screaming, face turning red, fussy for hours, gassy! I am in the process of trying to figure out what to do about it. (If anyone has any suggestions please let me know.)
This weekend she was really bad. If I was not holding her she was screaming, which does not work very well when you have two other children and a household to run. I am pretty good at doing things one handed but there are just some things you simply can't do while holding a baby...like cleaning up rabbit pee from the kitchen floor...for example. :) Between a demanding newborn and the constant pleas of "Mom can you get me this", "Mom I need that", "Mom help me with this", "Mom where is that" it's enough to make anyone go crazy, not to mention a sleep deprived women running on one cup of decaf coffee. By the end of the day I was so worn out and trying so desperately to keep it together that I did what any other well intentioned worn out mother would do. I Sent the kids outside to play! (Amber could not decide what pants to put on so she ran out in a tank top and her underwear, and at that moment I could care less, as long as they were out of my way.) As I began trying to cook dinner with one hand, while still cradling a sad little baby in the other, I began to question my ability as a parent. Was I spending enough time with Amber? "She is the middle child now, how am I going to parent her so she does not grow up resenting her childhood" and peyton, I am pretty sure I spent most of the day ignoring her ramblings about her imaginary worlds, and all that she is learning about bugs and amphibians, "I really should pay more attention to her, what if she thinks I don't care?" As I turn towards the oven to put in dinner I hear two little girls behind me saying "Mamma, close your eyes!" "Ok, they are closed" I say, still turned towards the oven. I hear the girls opening cabinets while, whispering and giggling to one another and soon they shout "Ok mom turn around!" I turn around and they yell "Surprise!" They had picked "flowers" (weeds) and put them in a vase for me. My heart melted and I said "thank you so much, they are beautiful" Peyton said "We wanted to pick them for you mamma, because we love you so much!" Of course at that moment I was a puddle on the floor, how did they know that is just what I needed that day...reassurance.