Dear College Student

Today was my first day actually being on San Diego State Campus. I had a meeting with a student who is interested in being a part of Chi Alpha. Walking onto the campus I felt like a freshman all over again, not knowing where I was going but not wanting to look at the dreaded campus map for fear of shear embarrassment from the more cultured classmates. I felt old and wondered if I looked it. It was kind of an out of body experience because I was immediately taken back to my college days and the faces of the students walking by reminded me of all the emotions you feel when you are a college student. Some students were walking through the halls with confidence like they owned the campus and gosh I always admired those types. How do they do it? Yet, now in my more mature state of mind I know they are probably just as lost as everyone else, others are more reserved yet I know they feel the weight of the world on their shoulders. There are the groups of silly, giggly girls running past and the groups of athletic guys eyeing the girls. There were students who were actually studying and others who only appeared to be. I caught the eye of one girl who was sobbing on her cell phone... Maybe a break up... who knows....but it all took me back to years passed and I was so inspired that I grabbed my cell phone and jotted down this letter.

Dear college student,

I see you sitting over there all alone with a Starbucks  in one hand and a book bag slouched next to your chair, you occasionally glance down at your cell phone while keeping one eye on the look out for anyone you might know walking by. I see you, I get you, because I used to be you. I know what it feels like to have the world at your finger tips yet it terrifies you all at the same time, you want to be the best you can be yet you find yourself falling short, you believe in dreams but are so aware of the realities, you think you are pretty cool and have a lot to offer yet there is still that voice in your head that makes you question all of that. You think you know yourself but you don't always trust yourself. You wish you were better looking, smarter, and more talented but deep down you know you were made this way for a reason but most days you just wish you knew what that reason was. 

If I could share with you for just a moment. If you would allow me to impart my few years of wisdom that I have on you I would tell you this... Don't take yourself so seriously. You don't have it all figured out and that's okay no one expects you to. You are young, vibrant and beautiful so stop telling yourself that you are not, because in the end it is wasted energy that could be spent enjoying your youth because one day you will realize it passes way to quickly. I know your head is swimming with dreams for your future and some may come true and some may not but what is important is that you figure out what you are passionate about and pursue that, because therein lies your fulfillment. You see, I believe you were made in the image of God, you were created by a loving and giving Savior. All your interests, passions and dreams were put there by the God who made you and they are good, in fact they are the secret to your success. If you can figure out what you are made for it is there you will find fulfillment. I pray you will learn to dream forever because when you are following your passions you are following God and when you follow God your dreams only get bigger and more beautiful. If you can do this I can promise that you will wake up one day in the near future and be comfortable in your own skin. My prayer for you is that you will get to a place that you don't care what anyone thinks of you anymore because you know who you are and who you were created to be and that is all that really matters.

                                                                             Love,
                                                                                  Your Future Self

 

 

When my heart aches...

I can't tell you what conference I was at or even what the speakers name was but I do remember listening to his words, and as a young teen still so naive and so innocent, I found some fear in them...

"In your life you are going to experience tragedy...If you haven't experienced it already I promise it is going to happen to you."

Even though I was young and didn't have much life experience in my back pocket I do remember hearing those words and thinking they had to be true. My life up until that point had been easy...perfect really. My parents were still together, my childhood was happy, I had opportunities that most kids only dreamed of and my future looked bright. When I was in that place it was hard to wrap my mind around what TRAGEDY in my life could look like or even feel like.

The speaker went on to say:

"You need to decide today... before that tragedy hits...who is the God that you serve?

I hid those words in my heart and over the years have thought about them a lot. I have studied the word of God and have come to believe that the God who I serve is one of love and faithfulness. I believe that in all things God works them together for good to those who love Him and, above all else I believe that God knows the plans He has for me and that they are good.

but the truth is... although I have chosen to believe these things, tragedy still brings up doubt.

15 years later and I now can say I know what it feels like to be going about your daily business with ache in your heart. Because I have witnessed tragedy.

 Not even a year ago my best friends brother died suddenly from cancer and most recently, just a week ago today, my baby niece was born with some severe complications that caused brain damage. In both these tragedy's I found myself shaking my fist at God, and asking the tough questions like... WHY?

Why would you allow Mark to die at such a young age? He was one of your finest servants and he had so much potential, so much life ahead of him...and how could you let this happen to not just to any family but THIS family who I often admire because of their bond with one another, a closeness that is unusually refreshing and hard to find. WHY?

How could you allow this to happen to my beloved sister -in -law, that I know only you could have hand picked for me since she feels as close to me as any blood sister would? We were all so excited! Her pregnancy was text book! They were as ready and prepared as any parents could be, but not for this... WHY?

But in my rants of confusion and anger...God always meets me right where I ache. Right where it makes no sense to feel peace yet, there is peace. I have come to realize that God can bring life out of the ashes, he can turn sorrow into dancing. He turned Marks funeral into an unbelievably powerful worship service (that I know to this day is still changing the lives of those who witnessed it.) He is using my best friend to now minister to people who have experienced loss in ways she never could have before and it is beautiful to watch...yes beautiful, because only God can turn something so ugly such as cancer into beauty...that's the God I serve.

I pray and I cry out to God and the outcome is not always what I want it to be and, I will never understand that but, I have come to trust in the God that does.

So where do I go from here....what do I do with this remaining ache in my heart?

Just this morning I was crying out to God for a miracle for my baby niece and my mind went to all the people watching this play out that don't know God yet. I cried "God, just heal her...I know you can do it...just do it all ready!! Think of all the people who will come to know you because of it!!!" and I felt God whisper to my heart:

"But for now...just let them see me in you." 

and that's it...that's all we can do friends. Show Jesus, Be Jesus, Live Jesus and in the mean time trust in his promises... It's all we can do.


 "I've said these things to you so that you will have peace in me. In the world you have distress. But be encouraged! I have conquered the world." John 16:33

 “He found him in a desert land,

and in the howling waste of the wilderness;

he encircled him, he cared for him,

he kept him as the apple of his eye.

 Like an eagle that stirs up its nest,

that flutters over its young,

spreading out its wings, catching them,

bearing them on its pinions.

Dt. 32: 10-11

What I believe about Santa Clause

Now I am fully aware that this can be a controversial subject so let me begin by saying that what you are about to read are the thoughts and opinions of a young christian mother who is just trying to make sense of it all and I understand that your opinions may differ from mine and that's okay. But can we all just agree that the spirit of St Nick is actually not a bad thing?  The more that I have thought about this over the past week the more I have come to realize that Santa sure does have a lot in common with Jesus himself and maybe, just maybe, my kids can further their relationship with God through the spirit of Santa Claus?? But I am getting ahead of myself. Let me start from the beginning of my journey with the good old Saint Nick.
So I am one of those moms that allows the fantasy of Santa to be alive and well in my home.  I am under the belief that kids are only kids once and being able to use the imagination that God gave them is one of their best assets (quiet frankly I think adults could learn a lot from children). 
When our first Christmas as parents rolled around, my husband and I talked about what would we do with the whole Santa thing and we concluded that because we were both raised in Christian homes that believed in Santa Claus and neither of us were traumatized, it was probably an okay tradition to continue on with our own children. In fact I have very fond childhood memories of the magic and excitement of Christmas morning and I just couldn't fathom the thought of taking that away from my children. So yes, we decided that the belief in Santa Claus would be welcomed in our home! We did agree on one thing though...the moment that our kids asked us if Santa was real we would tell them the truth. 
Well that moment came way sooner then I could have ever thought or been prepared for because just last week, with tears streaming down my six year old's face she begged me to tell her the truth about Santa....Now Peyton, our oldest child, is just naturally a very imaginative little girl. She spends her days in a dream-like state that often can be frustrating to try to pull her out from. She is one of those kids that believes her stuffed animals come alive at night, and that fairies exist in the grass outside our apartment, she wants nothing more than to see a unicorn and wishes on the first star she sees every night. She wants so badly for there to be something more than just her eyes can see, she wants to believe in something bigger than herself and well...I can't say that I blame her for that...don't we all? So that night when she told me that she felt like she didn't fit in with her friends at school because they don't believe in Santa Claus and..."Mom I feel like I am believing for nothing"...I knew what I had to do and I knew that it would not be easy...and it wasn't easy. What happened next was a heart wrenching night as I watched my little girl's imaginative world, that she held so dear, crumble around her.
She grew up that night...before my very eyes she grew up...and I didn't like it
 ...not one bit! 
But because of God's grace over me as a parent that night I think that what could have been very traumatizing has actually turned into something wonderful. 

Here is what Peyton and I have been discussing and processing together this week:

* We have been reading and learning a lot about the real Saint Nicholas and if you have never done this I highly recommend it. I think this has really helped Peyton to know that a person with the same gentle, kind and giving nature towards children actually did exist and she understands that we still celebrate that Saint Nicholas today in the form of Santa Claus and that we can carry on his giving spirit by being Santa to others.  

* The biggest thing that has come out of all of this for Peyton is the realization that there is someone bigger than Santa who is REAL and that is God! He in fact created Saint Nicholas and if he created a person as cool as that how much cooler is God? I have seen my child grow leaps and bounds in her faith this week. She has channeled the  desire to want to believe in something bigger than herself and has put her full faith and trust in God! She goes to bed reading her Bible and I wake up every morning to the sight of her sitting at the breakfast table with her Bible open next to her cereal bowl (this kid has literally read most of the new Testament and even some books in the Old Testament in just one short week). This week she told her non-Christian friends at school about the God she believes in and has done her best to show His love to them through her actions. What I have witnessed in my little girl has been convicting, challenging and heart warming all at the same time, and I have found myself following her lead to love others this week just like Christ loves us. 

* Lastly, the thing we have discussed and decided upon is that it is still okay to pretend. For the first couple nights after the Santa talk she would come to me, still a little tearful and say, "I wish I never asked you to tell me because it was more fun to believe." So I told her God made her the way she is for a reason and if it brings her joy to make believe that Santa is still real then she should go for it (because after all Mommy still does :)) And so what did we do this week? We watched my all time favorite Christmas movie together, "Miracle on 34th Street," and reminisced about the magic and wonder of the movie and how we both wished we could be Susan. 

So the question I have been asked this week (more times than I can count) is, would I do it differently or will I do it differently with my two younger children and my answer is...no! Again, this is just my opinion and I am fully aware that I could be wrong, but I still believe preserving a child's imagination is so very important. I feel it is a child's right to dream and to dream big and I am not going to be the one to stifle that. I often wonder if kids who grow up in homes that tell them from the get go that Santa isn't real if they secretly believe it anyway?  Just because that is what kids do...they believe! I also know that every child is different and that perhaps Peyton is a more sensitive case than my other children will be. (I can totally see Amber being proud of herself for figuring out on her own that Santa isn't real.) They are just different kids and when the time comes I am sure I will need to have the wisdom to handle each child in their own right. 
As hard as it was to watch my child's innocent world crumble around her that night,  I don't regret being there to walk her through  it, because the truth is this is not the last time my kid is going to go through heart ache. The world is full of it!
At least now she knows it's going to be okay. She is going to make it through and she can trust that her mom will be there every step of the way. 

The Adventures of SUPER (tired) MOM!!!

Oh boy...do I have a doozy to write about today. One thing is for sure, being a Mom is never boring. My children (one in particular) always seems to find a way to keep me on my toes and today was no different. 

Oh my wonderful, beautiful child Amber...I have come to the conclusion that this child was given to me by God specifically to teach me a lot about myself. Of my three girls she is the one that most reminds me of myself when I was a child. She is constantly dreaming. She sings more then she talks. She knows for a fact that she is a princess and she loves all things that sparkle. She is also easily frightened, yet wants so badly to be courageous. She is the most confident of all my children, yet she cares the most about what she looks like. She is stubborn to no end, yet is extremely compassionate and caring. But, the biggest thing about Amber is that her days and nights are consumed with one thing, DANCING! She dances everywhere and this is not an exaggeration. She dances to the dinner table, she dances to the bath tub, she dances to the car, and she dances in her dreams. Now being a dancer myself I would have no problem with this habit except for the fact that Amber can be extremely clumsy (so unlike me...ha ha). There is not a day that goes by she does not fall, trip, crash or break something because of her dancing habit. So, today when she was dancing down the grocery store aisle I should have known this would not end well...

I decided to make a stop at the Whole Foods right next to Amber's preschool. I thought I could squeeze in a grocery shopping trip in the hour I had before Peyton got out of school. I very rarely go to Whole Foods but today because of my time limit and the fact that I was on the hunt for some organic cream cheese (don't ask) I decided to stop. Everything was going fine. The kids were behaving; I was making my way through my list and Amber had been stopped a few times by costumers telling her how much they enjoyed her singing and dancing but again this was nothing out of the ordinary. I remember that I had just got done asking Amber what kind of jam she wanted (raspberry was the answer) and I turned to put the jar in my cart when all of the sudden I heard a huge crash beside me and a flood of some kind of liquid substance was splattering everywhere. At first I thought the entire shelf of jam must of suddenly fallen down or something. After I settled in from the shock and I was better able to make an assessment of what had happened, I quickly figured out that Amber must have "danced" into a display tower of white wine boxes at the end of the aisle. Six to eight boxes of wine were spilling out all over the floor, flooding the aisle, glass was everywhere and Amber was laying in the middle of the mess screaming and soaked. (Is it wrong that my first thought was not "oh no...is my child hurt?" but rather "how on earth am I going to pay for all this wine?")

What happened next seemed to be happening in slow motion as I sat Amber up and looked up to see six workers by our side asking if we were okay. One of the workers spotted that Amber's leg had been cut and was bleeding pretty badly so she rushed off and came back with a towel for me to clean her off a bit and by this time the manager of Whole Foods was by our side. He asked me to go ahead and pick Amber up and follow him to the back to get some band aids. So we began to follow him as he wheeled my cart with Eden in it (who at this particular moment I had never seen so quiet) through the river of wine and glass and passed a cart of two small children whose jaws were to the floor as they stared at us all the way down the aisle. We made our way to the back office and the manager helped me bandage Amber up (who in perfect Amber fashion was crying harder about the fact that her clothes were wet than that her leg was bleeding). I was beginning to formulate a strongly worded speech in my head about how dancing recklessly in the grocery store is never a good idea, but I no sooner opened my mouth to let her have it then workers from every angle began to shower my kids with goodies. First, it was organic whole wheat chocolate chip cookies (about the size of my fist). Then, it was kid sized reusable bags that had cute little dinosaurs eating fruits and vegetables on them. Lastly, a very nice lady came over and handed my kids a stack of stickers about recycling and a coloring book to go with it. The nice lady began comforting Amber, who was still sniffling over her clothes, and telling her how brave she was. Now I am no dummy, I knew what was happening here, they were trying to cover their butts in case I was some crazy, sue-happy mom, so my fears of having to pay for the wine quickly subsided. The nice lady with the stickers and coloring book then led us to the front of a check out line where they did not charge me for my bags and two young gentlemen were eagerly waiting to escort us to our car (which I declined since after all I had only got half way thru my list and had two bags of groceries)

We finally got to the car safe and sound and thank God I had a change of clothes for Amber because I am sure I would have heard her crying about them all the way home. We begin to drive home when I decide now would be a good time to give Amber my speech I had been working on. I began with, "Amber did you learn something today???" Amber was quiet for a minute while she chewed on her organic cookie and then with a twisted smile she said, "Yes, I learned that it is okay to dance in the grocery store as long as it is not next to the wine!" Good grief...what am I going to do with this kid?

He is so faithful to...

The Kertson household has been talking a lot about hearing the voice of God lately. Probably has something to do with the stage of life we are in at the moment as we are trying to make a very important decision that will set the stage for the rest of our lives. Pretty heavy stuff. You don't make decisions like this without hearing the voice of God, so naturally the topic comes up - around the dinner table, at night before bedtime, in the morning before school and in the middle of doing household chores when your mind slips away to dreaming of what the future holds. Yes, the voice of God is so desperately needed and wanted around here. And of course when you are earnestly seeking God, He always proves faithful to show up and tonight he showed himself to me once again through one of my children.
Around the dinner table after the first day of school I was challenging Peyton (6) and Amber (4) to try to do one nice thing for another person each day of this new school year. I began to give them some ideas like: You could let someone go ahead of you in line, or help someone carry something heavy to class, or play with a kid who looks like they are alone and needs a friend. Peyton stopped me right there and said "I can't really do that mom because my best friend at school doesn't like it when I play with other kids and not her." This information was a bit alarming to Brandon and I and we tried to explain to Peyton that it is good to be friends with everyone and if her friend was not letting her play with other kids then maybe she was not a good friend after all. Peyton nodded with a look of uncertainty and I felt a check in my spirit about the whole thing, I had no idea that Peyton was being controlled by this friend and I prayed that God would help her know what to do. That night before bed Peyton and I prayed that God would give her wisdom to know how to talk to her friend and how to show Gods love to everyone at her school. I don't know why it always amazes me when God answers prayers quickly! I think we often get used to the long wait that God sometimes requires of us, but today I was reminded that prayers can be answered immediately. Peyton came home from school today and told me that her school has this thing called a peace path. It's where one friend stands on one side of the path that says "It makes me feel ___ when you ____" and the other friend stands on the other side that says "I understand how you feel when I _____ I will _____ from now on" and you are suppose to stand there with your friend and repeat the sayings filling in the blanks with issues you may be having with each other. Peyton told me she asked her friend to go to the peace path with her that day and while they were there she told her, "It makes me feel sad when you don't let me play with other people" she went on to say that her and her friend had a really good talk at the peace path and together they decided it would be a good thing to play with other friends this year. I really could not believe what I was hearing. Could my 6 year old really have had the courage to do such a thing??? I was blown away! I told Peyton, "I think God answered our prayer that we prayed last night about giving you the right words to say to your friend." She said, "Yeah, I think he did because the peace path just opened today for the first time and I knew God wanted me to use it".
 He is so faithful to answer. I often question our decision as parents to put our kids in public school but Brandon and I feel a conviction to allow our children to be exposed to the world so that they might be able to be a light to it. It is scary because I know the world is tough and will easily tear you down but I cover my children in prayer daily and trust that God is protecting them and giving us the wisdom we need as parents to guide them daily. I was so proud of how Peyton handled this situation and it was a confirmation that we as a family are indeed hearing God's voice.

Will you buy me a cookie?

When you have three children as close in age as mine are (6,4 & 1.6) its sometimes nice to get away with just one child at a time.(You moms of multiples know what I mean)  Even if its just to go to the grocery store, or a silly errand like return books to the library, for some reason when you get just one child by themselves they all of the sudden put on their best behavior and do and say the cutest things (its probably partially due to the fact that you are focusing your undivided attention on them and partially because they are just excited to be away from their siblings for a moment.) but I always seem to have the best time when I get them one on one.
Last Saturday I took just Peyton on a Costco run. It had been a long time since Peyton and I had some one on one time so I decided to make it extra special and stop by Starbucks to get us both a treat. As we sat down at a table on the patio with a non-fat latte and a chocolate chip frappuccino Peyton began asking me to tell her about all the things we were going to do this summer. (by the way we are super, crazy, busy this summer with tons of traveling in fact we are only home about 4-5 days between each trip all summer) So I began to rattle off all that we had planned San Diego, Tahoe, Oregon, LA, Mexico. "Mexico!" Peyton said. "What are we going to do there?" With excitement in my voice I began to tell her about APU Mexico Outreach and that we were going on a mission trip. I told her, Mommy was going to be working on staff at the camp praying and encouraging  people and I was hoping that maybe she could help me pray while we were there too. I could tell Peyton was trying hard to follow me but I could see in her face a little disappointment. I knew that she was remembering last summer when we took a family vacation to Mexico and stayed at a time share. We rode horses and dirt bikes and played on the beach everyday and I could see in her eyes that she realized this year was going to be a much different trip. I tried my best to tell her she was going to have a blast! The camp we are staying at is so fun and her cousins were going to be there, but I could see Peyton was still thinking about the horses. So I said "look Peyton, we are going to Mexico because God calls us to help people and there are a lot of people and kids that need our help that live in Mexico. They are poor and don't have all the things that we have and so we are going to go there and show them that we love them and God loves them too. At that moment this guy in a wheel chair came up to our table and just kind of sat there staring at us. We both nervously smiled and drank our drink but he just kept staring and inching even closer to our table. My first reaction was to grab Peyton and walk away but it was as if God convicted me in that moment and something inside of me said stay. Suddenly I realized that the man, obviously handicapped, was pointing to the tray table of his wheel chair. When I looked at his tray table I realized that he had a print out of a key pad on his table and was trying to spell something on it for me. "PRETTY" he spelled and then pointed to Peyton. I told Peyton "He thinks you are pretty" Peyton shyly smiled and said "thank you". Then the man began to spell something out again but this time a much longer phrase, I actually had to ask him to repeat it. "WILL YOU BUY ME A COOKIE". I told Peyton what he wrote and her face lit up and she said "Can we mom??!! PLEASE." I decided that maybe this would turn into some kind of teaching moment for my child so I agreed we told the man to wait for us and we went inside. Peyton picked out a cookie for the man and she walked back outside and handed it to him. He spelled on his board "Thank you. GOD BLESS YOU" and shook each of our hands.
As we were walking back to the car I could tell it was if a light bulb went off in Peyton's head and I could feel her excitement and she began to rattle off... "Mom! That was amazing!! I am so glad that we could help that man!! Wait until we tell Dad and Amber about this. I feel so happy right now! Is this what we are going to do in Mexico? Help People? because if it is I can't wait!!!!"
Giving..Serving... Loving...There is nothing that is more fulfilling than those things and my heart was so full witnessing my daughter realize this for maybe the first time. I know it was a simple gesture, who knows how many cookies that man gets bought for him in a week but to my 6 year old daughter it was a lesson of compassion and service that she will never forget and either will I.
"When you give to the least of these, you are giving to me" 
Mathew 25:45

Grand Adventure

"We are going on a GRAND ADVENTURE" were the words Brandon said as we sat around the kitchen table at our house in Santa Cruz and discussed with our children our upcoming move and what the next few months had in store for the family. I will never forget the look on the kids faces full of excitement followed by an outburst of shouts of glee "Yahoo!!!", "I can't wait!!!"  I remember at that moment feeling so scared and sad about the transition that lay before us but I put on my excited and hopeful face for my children. As a parent I believe that one of my jobs is to shield my kids from adult issues, things they have no control over and therefore need not be burdened by. Its only been behind closed doors that Brandon and I have discussed the unknowns and the anxiety that can come with that. So in front of our kids we have been nothing but excited about where God is taking us and our kids have felt the security in that and have been excited too.
Since we left Santa Cruz in August our lives have been nothing less then an adventure! In that short time our family has spent a week in Mexico, two weekends in LA, Peyton started Kindergarten and learned how to ride a horse, Amber started preschool, met her first best friend named Shannon and proudly knows how to write the letter "A". Baby Eden now sleeps through the night (although she still doesn't do it every night), she has cut two teeth and learned how to crawl. We have moved comfortably to San Diego into the home of our friends the Atkinson's who have made us feel humbled and blessed by their hospitality. Who in their right mind would welcome three young children and bunny rabbit into their home with open arms is beyond me, but they have done it with so much love and grace that I often feel over whelmed with gratitude.
 Yes, it has been a Grand Adventure, but we know this is only the beginning of the long road that still lay ahead of us. In the midst of all the change God has been so sweet in His comfort, so gracious in His provision and so faithful in His promises. We have enjoyed meaningful moments together as a family praying about our journey and I have seen my kids faith strengthen. 3 year old Amber the other night when we were praying before bed said "When I grow up I want to be a prayer warrior!" Peyton piped in and said "Well I am going to be a mom when I grow up" Amber said  "Actually I want to be a mom too" I said "Well you can be a mom and a prayer warrior, that is what mommy is" and I realized as I said it that a few months ago that would have been a lie but in the past few months I have found myself on my knees more times then I can count and I am thankful that I can honestly say that the grand adventure has made my kids mommy into a prayer warrior!

  Last night we got home late from our first long weekend of support raising (blog to come). With our kids in tow we met with 11 different families, drove long hours in the car, went to bed late and got up early, missing meals and surviving the hot sun, I was worried about my kids holding up under the circumstances even though they seemed to be having fun and enjoying meeting with new people (mostly because they got treats and toys every where we went) This morning as I was getting Peyton off to school I was still feeling exhausted from the weekend and wondering is she was feeling the same but she put my mind at ease as I was kissing her good bye she walked out the door saying "Mommy, I love being on this Grand Adventure" I just smiled at her with my heart so full I felt it may burst and I said "I do too, Peyton... I do too."